my knees are pressed up against the dashboard, as i sit in the passenger seat of her car. we are in a parking lot across sunset and across our digital divide. sara suggests i pull the seat back and i say “no, it feels good to have my knees up.” the truth is, i need to be bunched up, to be as restricted as i can. this may allow me to hold onto my body and avoid the pull of her gravity’s rainbow.
it’s my first un-pixelated encounter with my west-coast sister of mercy. the first time i have seen her rendered in real-time. she sits in the driver’s seat. she is finally flesh and bones, not ones and zeroes.
sara is one of my two teachers, has been for the last couple months. it is an education sponsored by facebook, or at least taking place on its campus; on its walls and in its halls. we are friends, fellow poets and lovers on some metaphysical plane. but “meta” means “more than”. is this relationship “more than” all that? is this face to face encounter “more than” physical. it’s certainly not less than.
sara is unavailable for certain activities that would seem to be an extension of her tutelage. unavailable for reasons i don’t need to go into. while being important, the reasons are a story in and of themselves. they are not a part of our relationship, they are a part of what our relationship isn’t. one of the lessons she has taught me is to be more involved with what something is, rather than what it isn’t. that being said, understanding what my relationship with her “is” and what it “isn’t” isn’t always clear. i guess i need to continue this higher education.
but where does sin begin and end? what is the geography of the ground we cover? do i have to understand the structure of the tectonic plates, in order to avoid a natural disaster?
with my other teacher it is, perhaps, less complicated. while i do feel her appreciation and her love, there is quite a bit more distance to the lesson plans, spatially and structurally. she is more of a muse than a lover. not that i wouldn’t want both, but this is just the way things have worked out. and like i’ve said before, i am okay with that. i am okay with both and neither. my learning with her has been to have, yet not to hold. or maybe it’s to hold, but not to have? i guess i still have some schooling left there, as well.
in both cases, i am grateful beyond words and tears. there’s always something to learn, another way of splitting the atoms and molecules that bounce off of us. the “geometry of innocent flesh on the bones, that causes galileo’s math book to get thrown” as bob dylan said.
so i sit in the parking lot on sunset, in the passenger seat of sara’s car, in some sort of reverse prostrate position. i bow to my master in my head and in my heart. i am grateful not to have to hit the refresh button to hear her responses. i am grateful that she is more beautiful in person. i am grateful that my higher education begins in my lower chakras. i am grateful that there is digital and there is analog. i am grateful for both. always both.