south entrance, part twenty (i wish i had a river)

the other night my friend cosmo told me that nature wakes up at 3:30am. the birds start to sing, the dew begins to form. the day begins to do what it needs to do; all under cover of a still dark sky.

back on an early september night in ’97 i lay in the grass in the center of the so. entrance town square. i had just been kissed by fate and destiny; two halves of the same mouth. i celebrated by not leaving what to me felt like consecrated ground. i felt taken care of, as the tiny droplets that feed all of nature’s kin began to form on my exposed parts.

i walked home and left my car. i was not inebriated but i had no use for vehicles; i was moved by something more than metal. moved into bed; moved into a sleep so sweet it came without warning. when i awoke, i smiled uncontrollably. the taste was still there, my lips still moist. her scent clung for dear life, just below the stale tobacco of my clothes which i had not bothered to remove the night before. i picked up my guitar and started relearning a joni mitchell song someone had taught me a few years back; ‘a case of you’.

mandy had mentioned something the night before. she told me that ‘blue’ was her mom’s favorite album. mandy had found it among her mom’s old records. she was playing it at home when her mom came in and told her a story. the gist was her mom could no longer play the album; it made her too sad. she would put it on when she was younger; alone and lonely. those feelings have a long reach that time doesn’t seem to outrun. we all have music that serves as a soundtrack; baked into our dna. locked-in emotion, pain and privilege and ecstasy and music that mixes it all together. some can only be played at certain moments. some are never played at all.

there was unlimited magic with mandy. so much so, that i felt to wait for a better moment to be completely with her. maybe it was to shake the residue of recent embraces with others. maybe it was because all our moments were already all filled up; there was no room yet. but we did discover later that week how our bodies worked. all night and beyond comprehension; we celebrated our skin and our birth and our death. i awoke hurting and more in love than i have ever been.

and we became “chris and mandy”; a phrase that our friends and acquaintances still have difficulty letting go of; a coupling that has ceased to exist. i know, though, that it will never be fully wiped away; not from the akashic record. i am beginning to embrace the idea that something can be destroyed yet continue to exist. our children are constant reminders that we were right for each other; we were at least one of “the one’s” even if impermanence got the better or worse of us.

i went outside on the deck of the house where i have been staying these past five days. i was alone, the last of my friends had just made their way to bed. it was almost 3am. i thought about waiting until nature got up; maybe to feel taken care of the way i had back in the square, after my first kiss with true love. i know i have another chance at true love in me, perhaps, more than one.

either way, i feel taken care of most days lately. by nature, by friends, by family, by sisters of mercy, and my children. so instead of staying up, i listen to the song, the one that shall not be named. i cry. not real tears, but something. something good and something bad. i wonder why i can’t put my finger on it, but quickly give up and thank the sky above. because at least it’s something. that’s a start.

Submit a comment